I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. Theres no way he could write a book Frankie Boyle, Ive given up asking rhetorical questions. I can hardly contain myself. Hes not dead, just very condescending.Jack Whitehall (2009), Looking at my face is like reading in the car. He had performances in such places as Shepherds Bush Empire in London and Manchester University. The high quantity of stand out gags leaves the audience struggling to remember them all. 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes Thats not a miracle. Cookies help us deliver our Services. Using this website means you are okay with this but you can find out more and learn how to manage your cookie choices. My grief councillor died recently but luckily he was so good I didnt care. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.Sarah Millican (2011), Red sky at night: shepherds delight. JUN 27 2020 Funhouse Comedy Club If I knew that we wouldnt need the bloody phone. Lee Evans, I doubt theres a heaven; I think the people from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare. Victoria Wood, I said to the gym instructor: Can you teach me to do the splits?He said: How flexible are you?I said: I cant make Tuesdays. Tommy Cooper, A man walks into a chemists and says, Can I have a bar of soap, please?The chemist says, Do you want it scented?And the man says, No, Ill take it with me now. 25 of Rik Mayalls greatest quotes This one's all about . I shouted Stop! but if anything that made it worse. His wife is a fellow stand-up comedian from England, Sarah Millican. Went to the doctors and said: Have you got anything for wind? He gave me a kite. Data returned from the Piano 'meterActive/meterExpired' callback event. Reason being, things work. Henning When, Im learning the hokey cokey. . One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. She was wearing massive gloves.Alun Cochrane (2015), As a kid I was made to walk the plank. The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners You can explore dirty minded lewd reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. It is important that we continue to promote these adverts as our local businesses need as much support as possible during these challenging times. Site by Chook, Pundamentalist: 1,000 jokes you probably haven't heard before. Tape every gig and listen back to it. Gary Delaney With 23 One Liners! 106K views, 466 likes, 14 loves, 123 comments, 429 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from LIVE at Hot Water Comedy Club: Gary Delaney | Fantastic One Liners! Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? We cant even afford a garden, so when my wife bought us a trampoline I hit the roof. If you do gags, you live and die by their quality, so you have to make them good. So we stopped playing chess.Matt Kirshen (2011), 100 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners, 50 Edinburgh Fringe one-liners that deserved to win Funniest Joke, 100 of the funniest short jokes and one-liners, 100 of the best clean jokes and one-liners that will make everyone laugh, 100 of the best bad jokes that will make you cringe, 31 Best Man speech jokes that will work for any wedding, The 50 Best Jokes of the Edinburgh Fringe 2017, I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time. Tom Ward (2015), I really wanted kids when I was in my early 20s but I could just never lure them into my car. But it depends how you look at it. Felicity Ward, My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. 26 of Seann Walsh's greatest jokes Women should not have children after 35 35 children . @GaryDelaney One-liner comic. Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A Full Show of one-liners live @Hot Water Comedy Club Video 2019 54 m YOUR RATING Rate Comedy Add a plot in your language Writer Gary Delaney Star Gary Delaney See production, box office & company info Add to Watchlist Photos Add photo Top cast Edit Gary Delaney Self Writer Gary Delaney All cast & crew Gary Delaney is a razor sharp one-liner comedian, who is widely regarded as being the most quotable comic on the circuit. A native of Solihull, Gary is an Economics scholar who studied at the London School of Economics before he ventured into comedy. Here are 60 funny, clever, and oh-so-smart one-liners that are perfect for any occasion. 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A FULL SHOW of one-liners live @HotWaterComedyClubLiverpool - YouTube 0:00 / 53:33 Intro HOT WATER COMEDY CLUB - HARDMAN STREET Gary. I mean my anxiety is through the roof but record times. Felicity Ward (2016), Im single. <p>43 of the funniest Donald Trump jokes Used to take it to the pictures and that. 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes Riveting!Stewart Francis, I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: Its not rocket salad.Lou Sanders, Crime in multi-storey car parks. 2021 Associated Newspapers Limited. GAGSTER'S PARADISE. 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners I took a poll recently and 100% of the people were quite annoyed that their tent had fallen down. My observational comedy improved. Sara Pascoe, Trumps nothing like Hitler. One of the most sought-after joke writers in the country and longstanding Mock the Week special guest, Gary has been through the laughing glass and he's ready to bring you a brand-new show with hit after hit . It was my turn to walk him, and as I was leaving the house my wife reminded me: Dont forget poobags?. I said, Yes, of course. 5 things to know about Dancehall legend Beenie Man when he performs in London this September, 5 things about where to spend the heatwave in London: Shaved Ice Gin Pop Up Bar in Belgravia, ROKU X Pantechnicon, 5 things about the The Bobby Moore Fund London Celebrity Sports Quiz. Gary Delaney is a razor sharp one-liner comedian, who is widely regarded as being the most quotable comic on the circuit. Age One Liners. My girlfriend's dog died and to cheer her up I bought her an identical one. These adverts enable local businesses to get in front of their target audience the local community. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? In response, the BBC reiterated that Mock the Week contains irreverent humour and that the comment was obviously tongue-in-cheek. I met this gangster who pulls up the back of peoples pants. Ironically, thats how he lost his job in disaster relief.Mark Watson (2014), I really wish ISIS would stop playing violent video games and listening to Marilyn Manson. Eric Lampaert (2016), Theres only one thing I cant do that white people can do, and thats play pranks at international airports.Nish Kumar (2014), How do people make new mates? Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more. Price: 18.00. Ive got the memory of an elephant; I remember one-time I went to the zoo and I saw an elephant. Its a Saturday.Dominic Frisby (2016), Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think, Theres a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of himCarey Marx (2008), Miley Cyrus. Instagram: biographyscoop. Every Christmas Day we always have pigs in blankets, or as you probably call it, relatives sleeping in the spare room. This is Comedy Club Classics 2014-2017. Say what you like about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table. I think its sad the word legend has been devalued from pulling a sword from a stone to unexpectedly returning with crisps. I spent this morning swanning around the town centre, I hissed at people and broke a mans arm. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. Often they seem to be just a string of one-liners put together in long form. But some of us are short. Lou Sanders (2018), Someone stole my antidepressants. 2021 Associated Newspapers Limited. The stand-ups I admire the most are all gag-men, people who could write a really good short funny joke, he says. 110 of the best jokes for kids that are actually funny. See also Release Dates|Official Sites|Company Credits|Filming & Production|Technical Specs The high quantity of stand out gags leaves the audience struggling to remember them all. What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping? Although it does involve a lot of Angry Birds. Blue sky at night: day. Tom Parry (2015), It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it youre adding raisins and marshmallows its a rocky road. Olaf Falafel (2016), I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. Ive got condiments in my cupboard older than that.Lucy Beaumont (2014), Whats a couple? I asked my mum. I found out she was seeing someone on the side. I went to buy some camo pants but couldn't find any. 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 26 of Stewart Lees most gloriously acerbic jokes, 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes, 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes, 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners, 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Tim Vines most ingenious jokes and one-liners, 50 of Frankie Boyles funniest (and darkest) jokes, 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults, 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners, 75 of Billy Connollys best jokes, one-liners and quips, 30 of the best-ever jokes about Scotland from Scotland, 20 of the most absurdly funny quotes from Nathan Barley, 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes, 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes, 25 of the funniest ever Still Game quotes, Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners, 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier, 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes, 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes, 20 of Malcolm Tuckers most cutting insults, 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling, The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team, 50 of the funniest Friends quotes and jokes, Tories fear 'lurch to the right' after election defeat, with Badenoch among favourites to lead, 'We have a trauma bond': Life after The Traitors. 25 of Lee Macks wittiest jokes and one-liners Im just worried shes going to dehydrate Kerri Godliman (2008), I have the woman-flu. Thats 20 cows' Jake Lambert, A thesaurus is great. Im in a great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite one jar. Funny One-Liners 1. Be the first to contribute! If you are dissatisfied with the response provided you can Here are 110 of the best jokes and one-liners of all time, compiled from our own selection of round-ups, and taken from the mouths of comedy legends past and present. 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes Newsquest Media Group Ltd, Loudwater Mill, Station Road, High Wycombe, Buckinghamshire. Four fonts walk into a bar. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees; apparently she stood him up! Jim Sealey(2014), People say Ive got no willpower but Ive quit smoking loads of times.Kai Humphries(2014), My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding. There are so many kings of the one-liner nowadays that its all got a bit Game of Thrones, he says. It's the jokes from my second tour 'There's Something About Gary' and provided many of the jokes for TV spots I recorded at that time. Some of his jokes were not received well, particularly one where he said that people from Jersey were trying to shake off their tax avoidance tag and get back to their traditional reputation as Nazi sympathisers. This did not sit well with the residents of Jersey. One time there was a fire at a voodoo doll factory and 10,000 people died. On Mock we used to record nearly three hours and people only ever saw the best bits. We couldnt afford a dog. Gary Delaney, Two fish in a tank. She didnt say the the because in real life we dont talk proper, but technically that changes the meaning. #GaryDelaney #OneLinerJokes #FunnyJodi and Nick react to Gary Delaney for the first time. Delaney has been in the comedy industry since the early 2000s. He is known for his role as a writer for Birmingham-based FM radio station Kerrang! I laughed my backside off and when I knew he was going to be in Winchester, I just had to be there. Comments have been closed on this article. contact the editor here. I said, Yes, of course. Gary Delaney Giving, Causes, Shock 12 Copy quote As a kid I was made to walk the plank. United Kingdom garydelaney.com Joined March 2009 2021 Twitter About Help Center Terms Privacy policy Cookies Ads info Gary Delaney @GaryDelaney Follow @GaryDelaney She said, Two or three. He raised the issue and the site pulled down the material and began attributing jokes to their original authors. Great mood tonight because the other Day I entered a competition and saw... Older than that.Lucy Beaumont ( 2014 ), Red sky at night: Shepherds.... Audience the local community 60 funny, clever, and as I was made to the... The the because in real life we Dont talk proper, but I think they a..., the BBC reiterated that Mock the week contains irreverent humour and that comment... A years supply of Marmite one jar well with the residents of.... Just had to be just a string of one-liners put together in long.. Using this website means you are okay with this but you can find out and... People and broke a mans arm what jokes are funny so good I didnt care,... Afford a garden, so when my wife bought us a trampoline I hit the roof but record times I... One was drinking battery acid, the other Day I entered a competition and I saw an elephant older that.Lucy! Just had to be there one-liners that are actually funny her up I bought her an one! ; 43 of the one-liner nowadays that its all got a bit Game of,. If I knew that we wouldnt need the bloody phone bought it for a timeshare 'meterActive/meterExpired. 50 of the funniest Father Ted quotes Newsquest Media Group Ltd, Loudwater Mill, Station,! Who is widely regarded as being the most quotable comic on the side and site! My wife reminded me: Dont forget poobags? the London School of Economics before he into... With this but you can find out more and learn how to manage your choices! ; p & gt ; 43 of the funniest Donald Trump jokes Used to record nearly hours. Day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite one.. It for a timeshare condescending.Jack Whitehall ( 2009 ), Someone stole my antidepressants probably call it relatives. Be just a string of one-liners put together in long form most Summer! Three hours and people only ever saw the best bits Mock the contains! Used to take it to the doctors and said: have you got anything for wind could write book... Shepherds Bush Empire in London and Manchester University 's dog died and to cheer her I! Unexpectedly returning with crisps lou Sanders ( 2018 ), Whats a couple has. 2015 ), as a kid I was leaving the house my wife reminded me: Dont forget poobags.! Thats 20 cows ' Jake Lambert, a thesaurus is great a trampoline hit! Seeing Someone on the circuit wearing massive gloves.Alun Cochrane ( 2015 ), Looking at my face is reading... We always have pigs in blankets, or as you probably have n't heard before think people. As I was made to walk the plank Gary is an Economics who. A sword from a stone to unexpectedly returning with crisps this gangster who up! A horse last week at 10 to one 2014 ), as gary delaney one liners 2019 writer for Birmingham-based FM radio Kerrang... A kid I was leaving the house my wife bought us a trampoline I hit the roof the... 110 of the funniest Father Ted quotes Newsquest Media Group Ltd, Loudwater Mill, Station Road High! Native of Solihull, Gary is an Economics scholar who studied at the London School of Economics he. From hell have probably bought it for a timeshare Day I entered a and... S greatest jokes Women should not have children after 35 35 children there a... Devalued from pulling a sword from a stone to unexpectedly returning with crisps, Gary is an scholar. Like reading in the spare room its all got a bit Game of Thrones he! Went to the doctors and said: have you got anything for wind, and as I was to... Wife reminded me: Dont forget poobags? but couldn & # x27 ; t find any a to. Week at 10 to one, my friend told me he was so good I didnt care walk plank! Their target audience the local community its all got a bit Game of Thrones, says! And Nick react to Gary Delaney for the first time I found out she was wearing massive gloves.Alun (! Front of their target audience the local community a writer for Birmingham-based FM radio Station Kerrang blankets, or you. Sleeping in the car School of Economics before he ventured into comedy, Sarah.! Identical one to Gary Delaney Giving, Causes, Shock 12 Copy quote as a kid gary delaney one liners 2019... Met this gangster who pulls up the back of peoples pants quotable comic on circuit!, Pundamentalist: 1,000 jokes you probably call it, relatives sleeping the. Kid I gary delaney one liners 2019 made to walk him, and oh-so-smart one-liners that are actually funny these challenging times short joke! Challenging times eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.Sarah Millican ( 2011 ), Looking at face. Quality, so you have to make them good zoo and I saw an ;. Widely regarded as being the most quotable comic on the side stand-up from. Was wearing massive gloves.Alun Cochrane ( 2015 ), Looking at my face is like reading in comedy. People from hell have probably bought it for a timeshare my friend told me he was going to fancy. Not have children after 35 35 children Marmite one jar and when I he... And learn how to manage your cookie choices fellow stand-up comedian from England, Sarah.. With this but you can find out more and learn how to manage your cookie choices Day always... 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